Fathers and sons

New haircut

Oliver Sacks revealed in a New York Times essay recently that he is dying of liver cancer and that he plans to devote the time he has left only to those things that enrich his life: reading, writing, and the companionship of friends; no more nightly news; but disconnecting from the world. Such as it is. And trusting the intelligence and resolve of the next generation to address its problems. 

I share this point of view with the exception that I would ask for one more thing to enrich what’s left of my time here. I would like to be reconciled to my son, just turned 44, Jeremy lives across the continent from me; we have been out of touch for years now. All I have of him are a few photos and some memories, Of memories, the sweetest are of his boyhood. 

Like this one:

I recall his excitement when he bought me a tie at someone’s yard sale and ran to show it to me. I

kept that tie for years, never forgetting that day. He was born on a bright winter day following a stormy night with thunder in the hills around a small town in northern Pennsylvania.I remember also the stormy look on his face as the nurse brought him out to us to see for the first time. 

Storminess would turn out to be the character of much of his adolescence, which is when the rift between us seemed to begin. He was a gifted student and tested into the gifted programs in his schools. He loved the gifted summer programs at the college where I taught. I think they made him feel not so isolated and bereft of the friendship of others like himself. Brave, courageous, generous, and big-hearted, he ventured into the Balkans during that war and its aftermath to lend his hand to reconstruction and peacekeeping efforts.

I often think I could’ve been a better father to him. For better or worse, I tried to bring him up as I had been taught, To be resilient, self-sufficient, self-protective and, I’m sad to say, often emotionally detached, I recognize his isolation today as originating in me, handed down from my own father and family background. As a result, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeremy has a lot of issues with me which I would not disagree with  

But I’m hoping that he reads this and understands how much I miss him and care about him. A while ago,  I wanted to jump on a plane and show up at his door and say, “What’s up? Don’t you know that I love you?” Unsure of myself and my impulsiveness I thought better of it .I wish now I had done it. Too long now, and too proud, I’ve been trusting him to make that a wish of his own.