It’s been a week of chemo again, and that means fatigue and
mental waywardness—and food tasting like moldy cardboard. Meanwhile, the desert
spring has delivered a heat wave—103 degrees on Friday—which leaves us
housebound with the AC running. Our thoughts naturally turning to
refrigeration, we spend a couple hours cleaning the kitchen refrigerator. After
getting it gleaming again, we open the door at odd times just to admire it.
There are those who would argue that this is spiritual work. I’m not so sure,
but I’m not dismissing the possibility.
On Sunday, Mother’s Day, my wife and I drove over to Morongo
Valley, where you can shop for cacti and succulents at a roadside place called
the Cactus Mart (the pics here today are from there). It was a windy day, and
after wobbling around with the help of a walking stick I used to use for hikes,
and losing my sun hat a couple times, I settled in the car again and dozed. My
wife came home with four talavera pots, empty since she got them from me at
Christmas, now proudly home to handsome spiny specimens of desert life.
The rest of the week, I unofficially declared a moratorium
on useful activity and spent two days flat on my back in bed with a copy of Raymond
Chandler’s The Long Goodbye. And I listened
with headphones to Oscar Peterson and a jazz quartet led by a saxophonist more people should
know, Dale Fielder.
Before bed in the evening, we watch old episodes of Lord
Peter Wimsey and Margaret Rutherford as Agatha Christie's Miss Marple in Murder Most Foul. And one afternoon I take enjoyment in a 1950s western, dozens
of which can be found on youtube.
Westerns, classic crime fiction, and listening to jazz may
not sound like coming to terms with a debilitating form of cancer, but I’m
learning that everyone finds their own way through the portals of illness. Even
while the thoughtful and inspirational words of writers like Barbara Brown
Taylor (An Altar in the World) and
Philip Simmons (Learning to Fall) cover
some of the same ground and cite the same sources, you’re a stranger in your
own strange land, without a good map, making much of it up as you go.

Part of that process is sloughing off old selves, and the
hold they have on you depends much on what you needed them for in the first
place—and for how long. There are old habits you can even identify and
understand the history of, but understanding doesn’t free you from them. They
stick like glue.
Someone on FB posts a long rant by Anne LaMott this week on the persistence of
perfectionism as a habit that rarely serves any useful purpose. And I laugh
when she encourages readers to make messes and to scorn the criticism of people
who easily find fault. The laughter, I find, is more effective than any effort
of will power. After a lifetime of living up to standards borrowed from
others—and forgetting they were borrowed, not bought and paid for—I could use
some more laughter. The kind that comes from looking in a mirror and saying,
“That’s not me at all. What was I thinking?”
Even as I write these weekly installments, my reading of
Taylor, Simmons, and others has me questioning whether this journal is just
some ego trip. You can’t go on pubic display without wondering what kind of
fool you’re making of yourself. And I hear the voices of my upbringing, which
praised kids who were “seen and not heard.”
But I’m coming to believe that respectful silence is best reserved
for the Deity, before whom I could make a greater effort to just shut up and try
listening for a change. For everyone else, I’m trusting that we need each other
as humans, and all our talk helps keep us that way. Even as we may be tripping
over our egos, the paths we share lead where grace can find us. It’s a delicate
balance.
The day could come, I guess, when I can even tolerate the
querulous yapping of the three dogs next door while I’m writing this. And I’m
wondering what that would be like. But for the time being, I will be happy to
just finish this paragraph and then lie down with maybe another
book to pass the afternoon, while waiting for the side effects of the meds to
wear off in the coming days. A call yesterday reminds me that I have another
MRI scheduled for early next month. And so life goes on.